This Is My Rifle, This Is My Gun

I tell you what: I have no problem with the idea of a military. I’m fairly sure that we have a real need for a standing army, navy, marine corps, and unstoppable air power. That said, at 31, I think that I have spent plenty of time considering the possibilities of service, and so far the answer has been a simple “not for me.” Ain’t no thing: I like sleeping in and not being shot at. That’s just me.

I got an email from the Marines the other day, so I thought that I would share. We’ll see if they email back.

Dear Student,

I am the Marine Corps Officer Selection Officer for your college. My job is to
find qualified college students who have what it takes to become Marine Corps
Officers. I am not an enlisted recruiter. The Program I run is competitive
and students must be selected by a board. Consequently, I am looking for
well-rounded, goal-oriented, physically fit individuals.

Unlike ROTC, there is no commitment during the school year; training takes
place during the summer and will not interfere with your schooling. I included
two website links below. They are not official Marine Corps websites; both
were created by students involved with the Program. I include them instead of
official sites because they provide more information and allow you to contact
students in the Program.

Marine Officer Programs informational sites
http://www.tc.umn.edu/~marines and
http://www.und.nodak.edu/org/mao/marine_home.html
Please look over the sites and email or call my office with any questions.
Thank you very much and I hope to hear from you.

Respectfully,
Captain [redacted]
Marine Corps Officer Programs

My response:

Dear Marine Corps Recruitment officer,

Thank you for your attempt to recruit me into the Marine Corps. Does the Marine Corps have a reimbursement policy for having facial tattoos lazered off? I got mine in the joint when I was doing a stretch for killing a couple guys. Fortunately, I’m out early because my case got thrown out on appeal thanks to a technicality. There isn’t even a felony on my record, but I can’t afford to get the tears removed.

Respectfully,
Jesse Mullan

My readers are certainly welcome to go visit the referenced sites and then call the Marines to enlist. I wish them the best and hope that my tax dollars go to putting them in heavily armored vehicles, wrapping them in high tech body armor, and bringing them home in one piece and without extra holes. If they do come home in more than one piece, or with new orifices, I hope that my tax dollars pay for their speedy recovery and thorough rehabilitation and reintegration into society. Towards that end, let’s get the hell out of Iraq and stop poking Iran in the hopes of causing them to give us an excuse to invade.

P.S.: I think that the money that we as a country are directing towards the “war” is being spent to line pockets rather than produce any sort of “tactical advantage.” We’re building bases for the long haul, not “winning.” Not that there is anything to win — we didn’t go there to take over, right? We went to hand over the reins to the populace so it could lead itself, democracy style.

Or something. I’m gonna crash now.

2 Responses to “This Is My Rifle, This Is My Gun ”

  1. dude, youre only 31?

    Shit, you look older than me and I’m 50!

    as they said in star wars

    “you dont want to sell me death sticks, you want to go home and re-evaluate your life”

    or lay off the alcohol, or both

    …with the best intentions, really

  2. You are a fairly well preserved 50, but I get carded on a regular basis.

    I think that my goofy sleep patterns have more to do with me looking haggard than any amount of booze.

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