Mistakes Were Made

I bought groceries and paid as many outstanding bills as I could find. I got bailed out again. I am trying to not feel like a complete failure for everything.

Let’s review the major mistakes of the past couple of years. This will be a fairly inclusive list.

1) Moving to Anoka
2) Getting a car instead of a bed
3) Moving out of the Keathly’s basement into my own apartment
4) Taking a full time job

Wow. That’s actually not too bad, and I’m gonna go ahead and give myself a free pass for all four.

My biggest failing in life is sleep. If I can sleep at night and wake up in the morning, everything else can be worked out. That’s the real reason that I moved to Anoka. I never had a problem going to bed or waking up there. That, plus my own ridiculous ideas of how I would spend my last two years in Minnesota were what drew me out there. It was about removing desires and possessions. It didn’t work like I had hoped. In 2005, I should have bought a cheap queen sized bed and a beater car. If I still wanted out of the Keathly’s house, I should have held firm to a location near the University.

The Keathlys are the best people ever. They let me move back and dump my stuff all over their basement, then cry and sleep on the couch instead of the bed. When I left it was time to go, but I didn’t look for roommates, and I didn’t stick to my original rent requirements. My apartment is very nice, but I don’t use all of its features. I’ve had one dinner party in three months. I spend 99% of my time in the bedroom. Studio studio studio! Mistake.

The job is the weirdest part. When I took it, I couldn’t imagine how anything could go wrong. I thought that with a massive increase in income that I’d be able to well stoke the fires of productivity. Careful review of my income reveals that I am taking home less than I did at the internet place in 2000. Oops. I can’t reward myself with food for spending ten to twelve hours on campus. I can’t drop $100 to complete a stupid photo assignment for class (much less buy my own camera upgrade). I love my job, but I feel like I’m doing everything wrong and don’t have the energy to “just make it right.” If I would have stayed part time I would have delayed the whole apartment thing. See?

Of course, just like 2005, I’m going to do everything I can to make things work. Let’s hope that I don’t end up uncontrollably crying for two months straight again.

4 Responses to “Mistakes Were Made ”

  1. Mistakes are simply opportunities to learn. You wouldn’t be learning a damn thing if you didn’t make some mistakes, you know. Besides, the sum of you isn’t computed on your mistakes or your successes or your looks or your possessions or your friends. What really counts is what’s in your heart and soul, you know, like love, kindness, compassion, truth.

    Besides, what do these mistakes you talk about really boil down to anyway but little financial snafus. Would you feel like a failure if you had all the money you need? Yeah, I know, you gotta eat and pay rent and car and utilities and all that, but in the end, it’s only money. And it’s only a temporary situation. Not a forever thing.

    As someone once wrote, it’s darkest before the dawn. Believe me, I know all about that darkness part. It’s the shits. But dawn always arrives. And it will for you too.

  2. You don’t learn if you don’t assess your mistakes, either.

  3. Yup, assessment is required, but it’s the action, and, more importantly, the attitude taken in response to the assessment that truly matters. The rest is just problem-solving. Forgiveness is divine; give yourself some.

  4. I think the difference between 2007 and 2005 is that now you are bailing out a boat that got some water in it vs. one with a hole in the bottom.

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