There’s a Light at the End of the Tunnel

Class is in session. I’m doing everything that I can to stay calm, but something about work and school runs me down. Also I think that I had a virus or some other thing from Seattle until last weekend. All of a sudden I just felt better — so much so that I haven’t been able to sleep.

Well, that — and I keep hearing over and over again in my head the things my dad said this last summer when I asked for help getting my finances straight:

“How do I know that you’re gonna follow through with it this time?” he asked. He meant school. The last time that I dropped out of college was ten years ago.

I know that my dad is a royal ass and that I should just ignore him when he says stupid shit. He is just a worm drilling into my skull.

There is a large part of me that maintains that I should have simply put on my Good Son persona and lied to him through the whole phone call.

“Oh yeah, I’ve just been busy, we should really get together.”

I just couldn’t do it. Yes, it was a time of critical need, but I was blindingly angry. The world was spinning as I held my tongue. When I trickled out the truth the sluice gates swung open of their own accord and those few drops raged into a river of vitriol.

“[expletives deleted]!”

Three years and almost 120 credits into it, school is still hard — not challenging: hard, like sewing a wound on your own leg closed. I don’t do it because I have anything to prove — it’s just the tough Norwegian side of me. My dad will probably try to dissemble later:

“I just wanted to challenge you.”

Fuck that. I challenge him to apologize for being a jobless alcoholic and addict for the first nine years of my life, and not having an excuse for being absent from the next twenty-three, including the two where I lived with him.

There. Maybe with that off my chest I can write again.

5 Responses to “There’s a Light at the End of the Tunnel ”

  1. You will never be sorry that you held the truth back from your cocksucking father. Anger held in just poisons your already dark soul turning even blacker.

    Good to hear you are back to your insomniac self.

    I still vote for a Hawaiian get away at Renee’s pad for the school break. You need it. It would be free once you got there. It’s warm, but not too warm there and you could go fishing for sharks and moray eels.

    Heck, you could opt for cash only Xmas presents and be over halfway to a plane ticket. We’d ante up in a heartbeat dude.

  2. Um, it should read “Anger held in just poisons your already dark soul turning IT even blacker.”

    Lady is way too quick on with the submit button.

  3. So…….cash for Xmas?

  4. Mom, does that mean that you don’t want to pick out a present for me?

  5. Heck, no! You MUST have presents for Christmas!!! We ALL must have presents for Christmas. What’s Christmas without ripping open wrapping paper to discover fabulous gifts chosen with care by our loved ones? I’ve been shopping since August just so I’ll be ready. Really.

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