I got a letter from my doctor today. The news was not very pleasant.
Here are your recent cholesterol results:
Total cholesterol = 283 (normal is <200)
Triglyceride - 348 (normal is <150)
HDL (good cholesterol) - 32 (optimal is >35)
LDL (bad cholesterol) - 181 (optimal is < 130)
These results are not optimal.
One of the doctor’s recommendations is that I should meet with a nutritionist. I called to politely decline, because I remember the lessons from the nutritionist I saw over twenty years ago. I should have faked a heart attack while on the phone.
My resting heart rate is 64, by the way.
Anyway, if I unexpectedly miss a day of work, it’s much more likely that I’ve had a massive heart attack or stroke (or both) than any other plausible explanation, like suicide, because there are no ropes or sharp implements in my apartment.
Ugh. Should my left arm be numb right now? Oh. Yeah, it should: I’m giving myself the stranger.
Really, I’m just drinking Maibock, which is the equivalent of having a stroke.
Postscript: the title of this post is in reference to a song by the Blues Goblins to which I was listening last night when I rattled off this post. The Blues Goblins is a solo project of Sam Coomes, who is in Quasi with his ex-wife Janet Weiss, who was the drummer for Sleater-Kinney. While trolling the internet for whatever it is for which I fish, I came across this travesty of a rock song impersonating a blues track. However, I am a fan of terrible fake mustaches, and this song is wearing one. No one said that my taste in music is beyond reproach, so I will listen to whatever I like.