Ask Doctor Jesse: Sasquatch Infestation

As a doctor and maker and seller of fine internets, people turn to me for answers to their perplexing questions. For instance, Zach J from Minneapolis asks:

“How do I deal with a pesky sasquatch infestation?”

Well, Zach, that’s a terrific question. In Minneapolis, you’re probably dealing with the yeti americanus miniensis — a relatively diminuitive subspecies of the more common yeti americanus superioris. While the big ones can grow to nearly twelve feet tall, sasquatch native to the upper midwest rarely grow past ten. If you haven’t spotted the elusive bear-apes directly, you can sure tell when they’ve torn your garbage cans to shreds and left their enormous and distinctive scat on your front step. Look for scratch marks on your eaves from where the big fellas are searching for wasp nests.

Sasquatch are a federally protected species, so you can’t simply put on a ghillie suit and lay in wait in your back yard with a samurai sword. I spoke with Fredericka Billingsly from the Minnesota DNR, and she had this to say:

“It used to be that you’d just go out and fight them hand to hand, but these days we’re trying to simply redirect these giants to safer foraging. We’ve come up with the mnemonic D&D: Deprive and Dissuade. First, deprive them of easy food: don’t put anything edible into your garbage, and don’t allow bees or wasps to nest near your home. Next, actively dissuade them from visiting with chemical and physical deterrants. Sprinkle borax along your foundation and at the edges of your property. Sasquatch dislike the smell of this harmless chemical, and will avoid it when seeking new territory. Most larger hardware stores have plastic or inflatable manticore scarecrows — the only natural predator of the sasquatch. If these simple and cost-effective measures are not sufficient, some sasquatch rescue organizations can assist in capturing and relocation problem animals.”

That’s good advice. I caution you to be careful — while sasquatch are shy and generally peaceful, they can be violent when startled, and can tear a grizzly bear into pieces. Plus, once they get the taste for human flesh, they will break through doors and walls to feast on you. You are allowed to kill a yeti in your own home, but if you try, make sure that you succeed, because a wounded “sassie” will go into a blood rage and kill indiscriminately. I recommend a .300 magnum rifle, a 12 gauge shotgun, or a high caliber pistol like a .44 magnum or .50 Desert Eagle.

Good luck, and please check in with an update!

One Response to “Ask Doctor Jesse: Sasquatch Infestation ”

  1. Hey, it is Zach J from MPLS.

    Thanks for your advice RE: sasquatches. You gave me some good ideas for where to start. For one thing, I will stop cooling my hot bacon on the sill of an open window. I think investing in some pepper spray and tasers could be worthwhile, too. I’m uneasy about using Borax, though. I’ve heard that Borax also repels real manticores, and I’ve tried the fake inflatable variety — and let me tell you, the idea that a real sasquatch can’t figure out that it’s only a scarecrow manticore is a load of bologna. I think it is a lie propagated by the inflatable manticore industry to get my money.

    I’d love to get rid of all the bees and wasps that the sasquatches have been feeding on, but the simple truth is that bees of all kinds are attracted to me in strange ways I can’t quite explain. Total eradication of these insects on my property is probably unrealistic. I had bought some Borneo Bee-Eating Snakes, but having no native predators, their population was getting out of control. I brought in some Orangutans from Borneo to eat their favorite food — the Bee-Eating Snakes — but then I had a lot of dead Orangutans to clean up at the end of winter.

    What really worries me is that I might have a Queen Sasquatch Nest below my foundation.

    I’ll keep you posted.

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