Lest anyone get too big of a head about how pretty and smart they are, here are my top five heartbreaks:
- Here’s my new Seattle address.
- I didn’t know think you were like that.
- Did you think that I would never find out?
- I don’t know where you are either, is there a street sign near you?
- I think I’m a lesbian.
Some explanations, in order:
- She moved. You might have known her.
- I was 19 and had a two night stand that my then recent ex found out about it and decided not to suggest that we get back together. I didn’t know that I was like that either.
- When your best friend likes someone, don’t date that person on the sly. Your friendship will probably never recover. The relationship that you had on the sly will probably also fall apart. I didn’t know that I was like that either.
- Don’t drink to forget someone who is sitting across the table from you, and don’t call them for directions. I probably shouldn’t include this one because it was mostly stress-related, but whatever, it’s a funny story.
- This is actually an amalgam of two or three heartbreaks — maybe more. One of them wasn’t out when I was interested, but she was out when I googled her thirteen years later.
Now, honestly, give me like a couple of hours to get some nutritious alcohol into my system, then you’ll get a real response.
- Jim Henson
- Phil Hartman
- Douglas Adams
- My favorite DJ
- My red car
Don’t ask me to list all the hearts that I have broken. I might as well stab myself in the nuts, thanks.