Top Five Heartbreaks

Lest anyone get too big of a head about how pretty and smart they are, here are my top five heartbreaks:

  1. Here’s my new Seattle address.
  2. I didn’t know think you were like that.
  3. Did you think that I would never find out?
  4. I don’t know where you are either, is there a street sign near you?
  5. I think I’m a lesbian.

Some explanations, in order:

  1. She moved. You might have known her.
  2. I was 19 and had a two night stand that my then recent ex found out about it and decided not to suggest that we get back together. I didn’t know that I was like that either.
  3. When your best friend likes someone, don’t date that person on the sly. Your friendship will probably never recover. The relationship that you had on the sly will probably also fall apart. I didn’t know that I was like that either.
  4. Don’t drink to forget someone who is sitting across the table from you, and don’t call them for directions. I probably shouldn’t include this one because it was mostly stress-related, but whatever, it’s a funny story.
  5. This is actually an amalgam of two or three heartbreaks — maybe more. One of them wasn’t out when I was interested, but she was out when I googled her thirteen years later.

Now, honestly, give me like a couple of hours to get some nutritious alcohol into my system, then you’ll get a real response.

Honorable mentions:

  • Jim Henson
  • Phil Hartman
  • Douglas Adams
  • My favorite DJ
  • My red car

Don’t ask me to list all the hearts that I have broken. I might as well stab myself in the nuts, thanks.

8 Responses to “Top Five Heartbreaks ”

  1. Oh My God… Are you still talking about me? How is one to know who you are talking about?

    Okay, if you are still talking about me, and you are sure it is me, I’ll go out with you.

    Email me, you have that right? Or you can get it.

    I’m free all day Monday and Tuesday night.

  2. I think that was an invitation if I’ve ever seen one! Go get ‘er, Dude!

  3. Some of us have shit to do. These limes aren’t gonna juice themselves.

  4. I left off Rwanda, and maybe that lady in F911 whose family had been blown up by us. Also, the letter in the Life Aquatic: “I still have yours, of course.”

    Seriously, I’m gonna go juice another half gallon of limes.

  5. Limes? Limes get priority over me? Hmmmm, I don’t know what I think about that.

  6. My hands smell awesome. Now to add the triple sec and tequila. I’m not making the rice, chicken, and beans that I was planning because I will be writing an email.

    I should really install the audioscrobbler plugin and javascript iTunes listener on this laptop too, because Elliot Smith has been in the sidebar since 4am. That’s just a little creepy, I have been playing other music, too, really.

  7. I’m writing an email right now. Please hold.

  8. dude… i think she wants you

    PS. I wish my heartbreaks were as glorious as yours.

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