Look, it’s Evan Dando!
I had planned to go to bed early tonight, but the Hawaii kids convinced me to go out one more time. First off was the Kitty Cat Klub, where some random electronic band was playing, and a dude who was at Marsha and Boot’s wedding was playing fucking bass! What the fuck? I was enjoying the bleeps and beats, but Renee, Dean, and Lisa all wanted to mosey somewhere downtown, so we piled into the Mom car and headed to First Avenue. No one was playing the mainroom, and besides, who goes to First Ave just to drink? Anyway, it was something like one AM, and Evan Dando was playing the Entry, so we went strolling in like we owned the place and everyone else boozed it on up while I chilled with a Summit. We heard just a song and a half before Dando departed the stage, but we stuck around because there was still beverage in our beverages. The lights came on and we all reminisced over our favorite Entry moments.
Someone hollered about last call, and Renee and Dean started arguing over who was going to buy, drink, or some other random argument that people get in when they are climbing into the bag. I preemptively sent Lisa to the bar with instructions that I wanted a pop, but she was turned away. Then Renee and Dean went up and batted their eyelashes to get us all served. The Entry cleared out except for us, a couple of women (one of whom smiled at me before being distracted by some random greasy haired dude), and a couple of dudes, including that random dude. Soon camera phones were broken out and the woman had her arm around the kind of nasty looking guy.
The next thing that I know, the guy is walking past our table. I realized that he looked awfully familiar. Dean shouted out “hey, I saw you play at Waikiki” and immediately I understood that it was Evan Dando! Dean asked Evan if he remembered the show, and Evan began a rambling monologue about being trapped in Hawaii because he was abusing muscle relaxants — or abusing muscle relaxants because he was trapped in Hawaii. Either way, Dean and Renee were unable to hold a normal conversation with the wobbly singer, and he staggered away. Renee called him some names, like “pretentious fuckhead” or “bad haircut guy with the haircut” or something, then made fun of the Lemonheads in general and their cover of Mrs. Robinson in particular. I was both aghast and delighted, yet struck dumb in the face of a conversation between someone who was totally high out of their mind and a set of belligerant drunks.
“But wait,” you might ask. “What makes you think that Evan Dando was on another planet? Didn’t he sing and play perfectly?”
“Yes,” I would respond. “But what sober person turns around to come back and reveal that they recently purchased the Magnum P.I. DVD box set and loved it?”
Certainly not I, even though I am considering growing a moustache and buying some Hawaiian shirts to show off my magnificent forest of chest hair. Did I mention that I drive a Ferarri? I don’t know why Dando would jump from muscle relaxants to Magnum P.I., except for the thin Hawaiian thread tying them together. Out of his mind!
Anyway, that was plenty of excitement for me for one night, but since it was their last night on the mainland and very nearly two AM, we climbed aboard the silver bullet and shot ourselves straightaway to White Castle. Well, first we stopped so Dean could see the river and Lisa could pee in the bushes across from Nicollet Island. The stone arch bridge was really nice, but when we got back to the car Renee noticed that her wallet was missing. I immediately suspected Evan Dando, but Lisa ruled me out when she searched the pee bushes and found Renee’s wallet.
That’s when our trajectory finally made it to White Castle, where I was forcibly stopped (by Ms. Pee Wallet herself) from spinning the radio dial past KQ and on to the holy land of the Current. Yes, it was some Stones followed by the ear cutting song from Reservoir Dogs, but since I was about to eat sliders while sober I needed all the intestinal fortitude that I could muster, and the KQ made me feel even more dirty than usual.
Anyway, there were requests for my presence on the internet tonight, but I was out doing stuff. People should do stuff with me more often, because I enable stuff to be done. Also, I am awesome.
You forgot to mention the very end of the Evan Dando conversation where he turned around, walked back to us just to say, “Higgins! Higgins, man!”
To set the pee record straight, IT WAS ALL RENEE’S IDEA. Both that night and the night before when we peed outside the house. However, this is the first time I have peed in a public place. Leave it to my little sister to pressure me into it. Not too hard when I’m drunk, but still.
Also, I did not eat a slider, and never will.
yo, that was a famous night. we really miss you guys. by the way, i got myself a new cel phone. same number. those sliders left a hole in my gut. see you guys in 2006….in hawaii. we love you guys.