Midterms are Over!!!
I get a ton of spam in my university email.
From: “CPT Timothy T. Kemp”
Now that you have time to relax, I would like to offer you an invitation to check out the U of MN’s Army ROTC Program. It is nationally known as one of the countries top leadership programs and it has a lot to offer you. There are scholars among you who aspire to achieve something even greater than a college degree- they aspire to be leaders. Being a sophomore is an exciting time and it’s not too late to join Army ROTC.
[bla bla blaleeted]
FUCKING HOORAY!
Here’s how I’m replying:
If I join the ROTC, will the Army make me into an unstoppable killing machine? Also, does the Army even take 30 year olds? Do I have to switch from my Computer Science major to a major in killing? I have so many questions!
Sincerely,
Jesse Mullan
I can’t wait to sign up for KILL1337W - “Poorly Justified Wars of the 20th Century”! Unfortunately, it has some prereqs like KILL1001 - “Concepts In Baby Murdering”.
Just wait until you get into KILL5666 - “Stalking Around in the Night and Killing Everything in Sight like a Kickass Ninja”
I haven’t gotten back a reply yet. Cross your fingers! Maybe I should try calling him. Oh snap! I should call every day like the Marine recruiters did when I was 18. Once they got a glimpse of my glorious man-flesh they couldn’t stop themselves.
Actually, they called sight unseen, but one recruiter ruined his pants shooting his load when I walked by one day. He pounded and drooled on the window. I think that he pressed his nipple up against it too, but it’s all a blur.