I’m Not Fat, I’m Just Big Bonered

Okay, so I was chatting with Zach while simultaneously looking at Craigslist for more lady-type people. I shared an ad with him and he was all “how big is size 14, anyway.” I realised that I didn’t really know, since my brain tended to shut down in the women’s clothing section when I used to shop there. All I know is that women’s sizes bear no relation to reality or logical ordering of the universe. That said, I proceeded to do some research so men everywhere could finally breathe a sigh of relief.

Here are some celebs that I found when I should have been doing the bomblab for CSci 2021. If I found their size online, I included it. If not, I’m matching them up against the chart that I have.


When they are this tiny you’re just risking breaking her pelvis. I’m kidding! God! Look, there’s only two ways that I can go with this, either completely offensive and hilarious, or eggshell strained and painful for everyone.

Kate Moss
Height: 5′7″
Bust-waist-hips: 33-23-35


Yes, women’s sizes are all even. 4 is bigger than 2 and smaller than 6. Someone somewhere said a size 0 for Paris Hilton, but, uh, I dunno. She still needs a month or two of treatment for being crazy. Also, a sammich. Not a huge sammich at first, but as her body grows used to actually digesting food, she would get more and more hot sammich action.

Paris Hilton
Height: 5′8″
Bust-waist-hips: 34-25-35
Dress size: 4


Monica Belucci is… well… I had expected her and Famke to be in different places. One of them looks like butter, and the other looks sharp enough to slice bread.

Monica Bellucci
Height: 5′9-1/2″
Bust-waist-hips: 35-24-35
Dress size: 6-8

Melody says “a size 6 is going to be a thin, trim body with little to no body fat.”


I will let you do your own googling and such.

Famke Janssen
Height: 5′11″
Bust-waist-hips: 36-24-36
Dress size: 8-10


Drew Barrymore (Melody said that she was this size in the Wedding Singer, at least on the bottom)

Height: 5′ 4″
Bust-waist-hips: 34C-24-34

Melody says: “a size 10 is generally a bit more plush, with larger hips.”


Drew Barrymore (Melody said that she was this size in the Wedding Singer, at least on the top)
That’s right, I said Drew Barrymore on the top.


When you reach this size you can start shopping at Lane Bryant. I would probably buy this size for me, but my chesticles, hips, and buttocks are not very big so I wouldn’t make the dresses all pretty without some padding.
Melody says that Kate Winslet is this size.

Mmmmm Kate Winslet… Rumor has it that Renee Zellweger was this size for Bridget Jones when (in my opinion) she looked her best. Melody also said: “heh. I feel people up and label their bodies for a living,” and “14 and you’re starting to get the larger thighs and belly pudge, but no where near a roll.” So. There you go. I am for all of those things, especially the feeling people up part. AMAZING.


I don’t have an example for this size, and honestly, if you were trying to imagine any of these celebrities you probably would have a hard time placing them next to an arbitrary female type person. I’d just like to say that the clothing selection in this size is pretty depressing. Yes, I have looked through the racks.


You get a lot of woman for your money when you get up to this range, but if they dress well all you will notice is the PLADOW factor. I mean, you don’t get into a size 18 unless you are packing some booty and probably comfy soft pillows. This is a lady you can get comfortable with. Ahem.


I’ve dated bigger.

Okay, so maybe you’re like me and just want to see sizes in chart form so you could apply some scientific reasoning to it, well, uh, good luck. Here’s what you can get from Bloomingdales. It’s different from the Target chart. And probably the Vogue patterns charts.

SIZE P 4 6 8 10 12 14
BUST 32 33 34 34 36 37 ½ 39
WAIST 23 ½ 24 ½ 25 ½ 26 ½ 27 ½ 29 30 ½
HIPS 34 35 36 37 38 39 ½ 41
SIZE 2 4 6 8 10 12 14 16
BUST 32 ½ 33 ½ 34 ½ 35 ½ 36 ½ 38 39 ½ 41
WAIST 24 25 26 27 28 29 ½ 31 32 ½
HIPS 35 36 37 38 39 40 ½ 42 43 ½
SIZE 2P 4P 6P 8P 10P 12P 14P
BUST 32 33 34 35 36 37 ½ 39
WAIST 23 ½ 24 ½ 25 ½ 26 ½ 27 ½ 29 30 ½
HIPS 34 35 36 37 38 39 ½ 41
1X 2X 3X
SIZE 14 16 18 20 22 24
BUST 40 42 44 46 48 50
WAIST 31 33 35 37 39 ½ 42
HIPS 42 44 46 48 50 ½ 53

33 Responses to “I’m Not Fat, I’m Just Big Bonered ”

  1. I want to restructure fat-girl sizes. Once you start getting over a certain body fat percentage, your genes kick in and start with all manor of fat deposits in specific places that gives you a distinct shape (hourglass, pear, rectangle) that needs to be brought into concept.

    I also want to stop calling them ‘plus sizes’ and start calling them ‘fatty sizes’.

    You’ll see. One day I will revoutionize the way this shit is done. Just watch.

  2. Should I make this more complicated?

    Dress sizes vs. pants sizes are two sizes smaller (in general).

    There are two sub-categories for clothes: petite and juniors. A petite size 9 would swim in a regular size 9. And a regular size 9 would wear a size or two bigger in juniors. The suck ass part is that all the cool clothes are in the juniors section.

    Sizes are usually listed in ranges. Example: 9/10, 11/12. If a girl says she is a 9, she’s probably a 10 and rounding down.

    Remember that height plays a big role. A 9/10 on someone who is 5′ 8″ is skinny, while a 9/10 on someone who is 5′ 2″ is fat.

    Finally, yes, there is a size Zero for women and I agree with Jesse, women who are this small need a sammich.


    I didn’t get your e-mail. Please try again.

  4. I have a friend who wears a women’s size 26 (2x/3x). She is also, like, 6′1. If you were to stand away from her and observe her, you would guess that she was a size 14. She’s just a bloody amazon, and isn’t actuall fat. You’d never guess that she took such a large size.

  5. Just because:

    Kate Dillon is a size 16. She’s also one of those rediculiously tall people. Marilyn Monroe was also rumored to be a size 16, but the chart standards have changed a lot since then. http://www.geocities.com/FashionAvenue/Catwalk/9405/kate2.jpg

    Charlotte Coyl (?) is an 18. http://www.hughesmodels12plus.co.uk/models/CharlotteCoyle.html

  6. “You see, most blokes will be playing at 10. You’re on 10, all the way up, all the way up… Where can you go from there? Nowhere. What we do, is if we need that extra push over the cliff… Eleven. One louder.”
    “Why don’t you just make 10 louder and make 10 be the top number, and make that a little louder?”
    “These go to 11.”

    Or better yet, sixteen. Kate Dillon is HOT!

  7. we are opening up a large size store here on long island next spring…..1X - 7X . . .
    if you are any of your contacts have the names of any manufacturers or labels we should
    carry - if we haven’t contacted them allready….kindly let me know…

    thanks jerry bailenson

    jen wear plus

  8. jerry: WHAT?

  9. it is hard for me in a world that loves “skinny”. i’m not a big woman but i just found out that I am considered overweight. I’m 5′6 165 Lbs. my measurements are 38-36-48. so from those numbers I will be assumed to be “fat”. but I am big boned. I come from a family that is healthy in weight, I mean I am a black woman. so because I have some curves on me ( no gut), I am considered overweight and it becomes extremely hard to find pants!! Is a size 13 really horrible. how about everyone embrace sammiches and chicken wings and stop with the numbers because it is driving me crazy!! thanks for posting this because i felt like I was the only one that felt this way.

  10. Ha, women’s clothing is crazy - I’m 18 and I don’t even know what size I am. I have clothes from size 8 to like 16 - it depends on the make as to what will fit me. I’m 5′4″, 40/32/42. Certainly I have some meat on my bones, but I am also quite muscular on my lower half. I’m a healthy, active person and yet I’ve been called “fat” before, just because I don’t conform to someone else’s narrow standards. I wish people wouldn’t let themselves get so affected by the media’s so-called standards for body size. I’m comfy with my body. It’s feminine and inviting and my boyfriend thinks it’s sexy :D

  11. Right, so you say Paris Hilton’s measurements are: Bust-waist-hips: 34-25-35 and that she is a size 4?
    Yet Drew Barrymore’s measurements are: Bust-waist-hips: 34C-24-34. So Drew Barrymore has smaller measurements than Paris Hilton and shes a size 10?
    Drew Barrymore is skinnier than Paris Hilton and 3 dress sizes bigger?
    That makes sense! You can’t take measurements of celebritys from a website. Where do you think they get them from? They are all made up. This is so stupid blog.

  12. Ricky: that’s a good catch and I’m surprised that no one said anything sooner.

  13. Wow, the media has really destroyed women’s (and some men’s) view on what’s “healthy.” It seems that in modern day America, people are primarily classified as either “skinney” or “fat.” You know, I’m not even sure what size I am really, size charts keep changing and being modified by different companies and everything. Some of my clothes sizes even run from 3/4 to 11/12, I’m currently 5′4″ give or take an inch or so and 36-28-37 (I say I have a rectagular body shape). Many people are dying from belemia/anarexia (Is that how you spell it?) everyday and the source of the problem? The media. I say we should put an end to this, after all, isn’t murder a crime?

  14. Merisa, thanks for stopping by. No where in my post or comments do I mention health or beauty. This is just a run down of sizing information as collected from the internet and friends.

    I don’t care what body type you have so long as you exercise and eat healthily — two things that would follow from being intelligent and motivated, which are the things that I really look for in a woman.

  15. The measurements on Barrymore are probably right. Paris Hilton’s bust is 34 while with Barrymore, she’s a 34C which means she’s probably at least a 36 in bust if not 37. Also, that’s when she was really skinny, I think the numbers are skewed and she’s gone up and down her entire life. She was probably like a 4-6 at her smallest.

    I’m a size 16 dress but a size 9/10 pants. I’m short, 5′2″ so as someone as said I’m considered “fat.” My measurements are 42-30-39, so I’m a bit top heavy and very hourglassy. I lost 25 pounds in the past 6 months and am pretty happy with myself, but with pressures to be a small size, I look int he mirror and wonder if I’d e happier skinner. I mean, I’m lucky I didn’t lose any chest, but who is to say that I won’t later?

  16. I think it is ridiculous to say that even when someone is short, a size 9/10 would be “fat”. I am 4′11 and a size 8/10 (I was a size 18, and recently lost weight) and honestly, the size I am now is pretty good for me and I am quite happy with how I look. But it seems no matter what I will still be considered “fat” but certain morons. Oh well. And Drew looked smaller than a 10, but reading that was her size made me happy. But I agree the best clothes ar ein Juniors (even though I have to g ot oa size 11) But honestly ,I am just thrilled I no longer have to rely on Lane Brynt for my wardrobe.

  17. reading those celebs measurements makes me feel fatter ……

  18. I don’t know about your examination of women’s sizes. According to your diatribe, I am at least a size 12 because my measurements are larger than Drew Barrymore’s in the Wedding Singer…uh huh…My measurements are 38-30-37 I am 5′1″. I wear a size 7 (sometimes 9) in juniors, a size 6 in misses, and a 6Petite. The largest size I’ve ever purchased was a 10 evening gown. I could never buy clothes at Lane Bryant. My sister in law shops at Lane Bryant. She Is about my height but weighs about 25 pounds more and has a very large chest.

  19. Ang: I didn’t come up with these numbers.

  20. I hate how there is so much pressure for girls/women to feel the need to be skinny. I am 38-35-41 yes I have some meat on my bones, but everyday I look in the mirror I see “fat” because of the media and everyone who walks around with a stick straight body. To everyone else, I am considered fat. It is rediculous to think that now we have to resort to not eating or throwing up our food to match the ideals of society. Aren’t guys supposed to like a little bit of meat? And i think it is down right rude of anyone to call plus size women “fatty size” women.

  21. laura: you and melody (who is also “plus sized”) can fight over your own identifying verbage as you like.

  22. am i fat?i am 5′6″ and weigh 143lbs..my measurements are 37-32-39..

  23. Marty: I don’t know… are you?

  24. People need to stop hating on each other.
    I’m a size 00. I don’t need a sandwich, nor do I really look like I do. I’m 5′4″ and varying between 98-104 lbs currently. I know my weight is low, but it’s always been low, and I’ve been to multiple doctors to try to fix this. It’s incredibly difficult for me to find jeans that fit me, and when I do they’re usually overpriced. I don’t feel as incredibly good as some people think I should.
    I’m so jealous of women with bigger thighs and curvy hips. I don’t hate my body, I just wish I had the amazing hourglass figure I see on so many other women. I see these beautiful women on diets, envying me while I eat my disgusting protein bars and feel like I’m going to faint. I don’t understand it.
    Even though I can hate my body for reasons from I feel like I’m going to faint to I can’t find clothes to my legs are so god damned skinny, I still know that I am beautiful. Your body is however it may be. The most important thing, really, is to dress appropriately and not to let anyone thing you’re any less beautiful because of measurements.

  25. Liz: it’s nice to hear from the other half. Here at jpmullan.com, we don’t condone hate, just the occasional good natured ribbing. I would like to take umbrage at your comment that the most important thing is to dress appropriately — the most important thing is to eat appropriately and get regular exercise — regardless of how much you weigh, what you look like, or how you dress.

  26. I am 5′3″ tall and I weighed 186lbs. at my highest and 155lbs. now. I went from a size 14 to 16, down to a size 10 (in dockers shorts) which feels really great. But at 38-31-40 according Aslo, every site I checked put Marilyn Monroe’s height at 5′ 5 1/2″ her measurement varied from 35-22-35 to 36-23-37. 140 lbs. is the highest weight listed, but she was usually 115 to 120 lbs. According to these charts she would have been at least a size 8. But the size charts were totally different whe she was alive, so maybe she was a size 16? Who chooses which measurements equal which size anyways? Try googling the weight of your favorite actresses? See if you find one that weighs over 130 lbs. Plain and simple, Hollywood is destroying the self confidence of our ladies. For the record I am not fat, I’m sexy and beautiful at 37 and I have a hot firefighter husband who is younger than me. Do you really think that runway models are what every man is looking for in a woman? No, that is what the media has led us to believe. Want to see for yourself? Bring your curves down to Costa Rica and watch the hot blooded Latino men drool over your plus size bod.

  27. I believe all women start obsessing about their numbers at some time or another… Well, after a lot of dieting and sport -and I mean that more like in a way of lifestyle than punishing myself ;) , I have become quite fond of my body. However, I have a little problem with US clothing sizes, could anyone help and explain to me?
    I currently am 5′6′’ (1.71cm), weigh 130lb (about 59kg) and my body measurements are 34B-25-36 (88-65-93). According to the data I should be a size 6 (maybe even a four) but for the record I am actually a 2.
    Does this have anything to do with the so-called vanity sizing?

  28. In 1974 a bill was passed (I believe in both Canada and the US) regarding standardized sizing. However, it was only valid for 25 years, thus ending in 1999. Vanity sizing began just a few years earlier than that, at first in designer and higher end clothing, presumably to attract (vain but well-off) customers who had gained weight as they aged. After 1999, sizes became increasingly non-standard across all levels of quality. So now, we are no longer a “size”, but a range of sizes. UK, French and Italian sizing has remained fairly consistent though.

    Also, many people do not measure themselves at the exact same body points. For example, many people do not measure their hips at the widest point, and frequently people pull the tape tightly instead of just having it flat. As a model, I have seen many tricks to alter the tape’s measurements!

  29. In my opinion as long as your healthy fuck all the other bull shit. We as women need to understand we are all made differently and we each have something unique. We don’t need to please any one but our selves.

  30. Hi! according to your modern chart I would be a size 10 and a size 6 on the classic chart which I really am. My measurements are 35-27-38 and I am 5′6″ weighing at 130lbs. I look skinny on top but I have huge legs and hips since I was born I guess. I have friends who ranges from a size 0-12 but really most of them aren’t skinny or fat maybe because of their height? What I think is it really depends on how tall you are and the basis of your body proportion and also BMI since anyone can look fat or skinny but they are really not overweight or underweight. I used to be 105-110 lbs when I was younger and wore a 2 since my hips were big (33-24-36) but I looked like I was anorexic.

  31. I’m 5′2″, and I wear a size 10, but ‘least according to my BMI, I’m not “fat”.

  32. im 5′5 and weigh 135 with a body measurement of 36-27-37 and i get called fat all the time! i just say fuck it

  33. U guys r bitches its no wonder girls and women of all ages r so fucked up I’m 5′3 and weigh 140 so go on ahead and label me fat ya dumb bitch

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