You’re a Machine, I’m a Woman

Cake Woman needed some sort of sedative to prevent her from killing everyone in a shopping frenzy, so I woke up on her couch at like 8am to her shrieking “it’s time to go fucking shopping!”

After I ran hot water over myself we hopped into my car to visit a SuperTarget, which, as you may presume, is quite super. There was lots of stuff. I bought a green hoodie because two blue hoodies and a black hoodie do not completely fulfill my hoodie needs.

Then, we descended into Kohl’s, where shopping is a catfight. Fortunately, enough of my youth was spent in and near mosh pits for me to fight my way to the shoe section, where I found the black Vans that I have been craving for a couple of months. I had plenty of time to tend to my wounds while we waited in line for the returns counter. Ms. Surly had to return some bras and we had a pile of goods to purchase. We slept in shifts. I took the first watch. An hour later we made it to the front of the line. None of the bras that Cake Woman was returning were on the receipt that she had. One of us nearly exploded in a maelstrom of hate and vengeance, but I was just hungry. I imagined a world of foods entering my mouth, never to return: breakfast, lunch, dinner, Indian, Thai, German, French, Mexican… Cake Woman was able to have the receipt looked up via her Kohl’s card and we were on our way with no fatalities.

“So, just one Big Hot Ham and Cheese?” asked the machine at Hardees.
“No, I want two Hot Ham and Cheeses, one larger than the other,” I replied. Soon greasy meat was filling me up. I drove us to our final shopping destination (which Cake Woman asked that I not reveal).

“What are you going to do when I get a girlfriend?” I asked her.
“Get one of my own, I suppose,” she answered. “But she probably won’t want to shop with me.”

Whom would I date? I have this weird thing where random women find me cute or charming, but I can never tell in advance. Paul says to just let whatever happens happen, but if I do that, I will never get anywhere. I’ve tried it. The only thing that seems to work is a blitz. I have to find a weakness in their line and exploit it. I have to compliment them or display a brand of Amazing previously unforeseen. How can I find the intersection of the set of women whom I find attractive and who will find me attractive with a modicum of effort? I’m just going to continue to be the sort of person that I would want to date. I’ll buy a white hat, too, just to see if that works.

One Response to “You’re a Machine, I’m a Woman ”

  1. A white hat? Being a condom head boy will help you get dates?

    Unlikely dude.

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