Okay, I have a new idea. It’s like a safe word, except in reverse. I could be out of my mind drunk with a totally nude woman who is blacked out in my bed, and she will sleep comfortably and safely all night, whether or not I get up and go try to sleep on the big chair in the living room. If I don’t get a clear signal (like “hey sailor, big discount for repeat customers”) I’m not doing anything.
However, sometimes ladies like to pretend to be demure. Sometimes they might be interested but be too shy to move my chair right up next to theirs while I am fetching a sweatshirt. Even then, I might be worried that I am seeing an opening where there isn’t one. That’s why I want there to be a trigger word — sort of the opposite of a safe word. So, if she’s ready for the hot Jesse action, she would just say “Jello” very quietly and I would work my magic, confident that in thirty seconds or ten minutes I’m not going to lean in and get the gentle head twist and squinty eyes of a “oh, you thought… uh…” I mean, once you take the initial jump, the rest is just four seconds of falling. After that, a light touch and subsequent gasp of breath or uncomfortable squirming will let me know if her shoulder is off limits (for example).
I would also accept the word “pirate” or just an “arrrrrr, matey, time to swab the poop deck!”
See, I told you that I was feeling better. Tomorrow I swear that I will call to schedule an advising appointment, despite being terrified of the phone.