Jesse Mullan

Happy New Pants

Written on Saturday, the 31^st of December, 2005 at 11:25 am and was filed under: Diversions

At first there was only canned music — happy riffing on a Hammond B3 while a guitarist and rhythm section funked it up — then the line clicked and a woman answered.
“Thank you for calling Kohl’s,” she said.
“Yeah, I’m curious what your hours will be tomorrow,” I stated. The line went deathly silent. I assumed that I we were honoring the memory of some fallen hero and waited breathlessly. After a while it occurred to me that we might have been disconnected.
“Hello?” I asked hesitantly.
“I… actually have no idea when we’re open tomorrow,” she laughed and answered.
“So… will you be open at all tomorrow?” I asked. If ever there were a justification to torture someone to get an answer, this was it.
“Oh, we’ll be open, I just don’t know when.”

So, tomorrow Cake Woman and I will be finding a pair of pants to replace the Dickies that she didn’t like, partly because “those will be so hot in the summer that you will get dick rot.” Also, I don’t think that they showcase my hot ass to her satisfaction. (Smack! I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly!) Considering that I have a pair of pants to return, $6 left on my gift card, a square of paper proclaiming that it is $10 in “Kohl’s cash,” and theoretically a 15% off coupon, I will probably be able to buy the entire clearance rack in my size, which is 36x30, or really, 36x28, but I can never find pants that short since anything shorter than 30 seems to just have children’s sizing information, like S, M, L, Husky. I guess that I would wear in Husky and all of my pants would have elastic waists. Actually, that would probably be really comfortable.

5 Responses to “Happy New Pants ”

1. 
   melody said on January 1st, 2006 at 5:26 am

   Dickies are weird like that- they are cut all strange.

   And, dude, pull out an iron and hem that shit.

   You should totally only wear elastic wasted pants. They are hawt. You can be all Leslie & the Ly’s and wear sexy sweaters in attractive contemporary designs with elastic waist band stirrup leggings.

   http://www.lesliehall.com/index12.htm, dawg

2. 
   shooby said on January 1st, 2006 at 4:09 pm

   I read a post on Jesses Blog today, and it didnt mention ass, dick, farts, fucking, or getting drunk.

   Then again, it could have been a dream.

3. 
   King Kwong said on January 2nd, 2006 at 10:08 am

   As a member of the call center caste, I’ve been in that exact situation.

   You could also just knife someone, real hard.

   -Thomas

4. 
   Jesse said on January 2nd, 2006 at 11:23 am

   shooby: well, now it does.

5. 
   Zach said on January 2nd, 2006 at 1:19 pm

   Muffins?