Everything Wrong Ever

This was a conversation that someone and I had a while ago.

It’s no one you know. I SWEAR.

jessepmullan: I bought this book for Noah: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0916291529/ref=pd_sim_b_1/104-6061690-0129500?%5Fencoding=UTF8&v=glance&n=283155
someone: I’m going to re-author the first one
Everybody Shits
jessepmullan: I should write “Everybody dies”
someone: haha yes
and then
Everybody Fucks (even your parents)
jessepmullan: “The Brains We Eat: The Story Of Zombies”
someone: Dick and Jane Discover the Divorce Rate
Sometimes Babies Don’t Wake Up
Little Golden Book of Snuff Stories
jessepmullan: sometimes babies…
someone: Your Mother Might Go Crazy and Drown You or Drive Your Car Into A Lake
Sometimes Daddies Drink Too Much
jessepmullan: Mommy Tried To Abort You With A Coat Hanger But Got Most Of Your Twin Instead
someone: Uncles Can’t Touch You There, But Mommy and Daddy Can… Sometimes
So You’re An Unwanted Child
jessepmullan: It’s Not A Bad Touch If You Like It, So Learn To Like It
someone: I’m going to start a publishing company
jessepmullan: Only Babies Cry. Are You A Baby?
someone: If Mommy is Dumb She’ll Mix Ammonia and Bleach and Your Whole Family Will Die
jessepmullan: Don’t Bother Daddy When He’s Sleeping On The Bathroom Floor
someone: Daddy Wins If You Cry
jessepmullan: Maybe You Should Get A Fucking Job
someone: Mommies Make Sandwiches, Daddies Drink Beer
jessepmullan: I Don’t Want To Hear About What Mommy And That Guy Do
I Don’t Want To Hear About What Daddy And That Guy Do
someone: Sometimes Packages Have to be Delivered to Mommy’s Bedroom
jessepmullan: If You Weren’t A Bad Child, God Wouldn’t Kill Your Cat, And Neither Would Daddy
You Like Balls, Huh? Well How About These Balls? Huh?
someone: You Were a Final Attempt to Save Mommy and Daddy’s Marriage, But It Didn’t Work
jessepmullan: I Thought That You Were Going To Be A Turd On The End Of My Dick, But I Was Drunk And Came In The Wrong Hole
someone: Mommy Hates Your Pets, But She Also Feeds Them.
jessepmullan: Daddy Hates Your Pets Because Of The Things That They Make Him Do
Just Start Crying Now, Because You Will Be Later
someone: All Goldfish Look the Same, and They Don’t Live 10 Years
aka Goldy’s Dead
jessepmullan: Your Goldfish Was Inside Of Daddy
Don’t Touch Daddy’s Rifle
someone: Not Only is Snowball Dead, but Snowball’s Imposter Died a Year Ago Too
Don’t Waste Daddy’s Bullets On You or Your Friends
jessepmullan: All Kittens Die, And It’s Your Fault
someone: Crying Only Kills More of Them
jessepmullan: Don’t Drink Daddy’s Water
Daddy Isn’t An Alcoholic, He Just Likes Vanilla Extract
Old Enough To Bleed, Old Enough To Shut The Fuck Up
someone: So You Don’t Learn It Later, You’re Smelling Gin
essepmullan Completely Inappropriate Book Title
Completely Inappropriate Book Title Taken Too Far
someone: The Magical World Inside Abandoned Refridgerators
jessepmullan: How To Get On The Roof Of Any House
someone: Drain Pipe Candy and Other Treats
jessepmullan: Rusty Nail Sculptures
Rainy Day Razor Blade Fun
someone: Did You Know You Can Walk Through Glass?
jessepmullan: How To Smoke Mommy’s Cigarettes
someone: Baby Limbs Regenerate, Try It
jessepmullan: Your First Brand
Baby Scarification And Branding
They Won’t Be Able To Identify Your Body If You Don’t Have Scars
Playhouse Tattoos
Toilet Sangria
Making Timmy Your Bitch
someone: If It Goes In Tasting Good, It Comes Out Tasting Better’
jessepmullan: Hard Time in Time Outs
Mommy Is Your Warden
Shivving the Neighbor Kids
someone: Keep Walking Away From Time Out, Mommies Are Weak
jessepmullan: Traded For A Cigarette: The Baby ________ Story
If You Cry Enough, You Can Get Anything
If Mommy Loved You, She Wouldn’t Have Left You In The Cart
someone: You Didn’t Get the Toy You Wanted Because Your Parents Don’t Love You
jessepmullan: Suicide At Seven Is Super!
someone: Mommies and Daddies Fight Because Their Kids Poop
jessepmullan: Put The Bag Over Your Head When You Sleep So You Don’t Wet The Bed
someone: The Dog Gets Praised Because He Poops In The Yard
jessepmullan: Dog Food Tastes Good
someone: Yellow Means Lemonade, Brown Means Chocolate
jessepmullan: Dog Food Tastes Good II: If It Tastes That Good Going In…
someone: Red Stripe Mint Candy Your Mom Makes In the Bathroom
If You Don’t Lick It Clean Today, It Will Taste Worse Tomorrow
someone: I’m done.
That’s it.
Mommy’s String Babies
Mommy’s Other Baby Hung Itself In Her Vagina

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