I thought Superman was okay. I didn’t expect it to turn into a pirate movie at the end, and it was kind of weird to suddently have Johnny Depp show up, but maybe I shouldn’t have fallen asleep in the middle. It might have made more sense if I could have actually seen Lex Luthor call up the pirates to fight Superman for him. But then, it wasn’t very Supermanish at the end — I mean, he wasn’t even there. Really, it was like one of those dreams where you’re trying to do one thing and you can’t quite do it, and then all of a sudden you’re at your old elementary school and you’re trying to return a book or something but you can’t find the library and there are Cthulu pirates.

I wish that I could have dreams about Cthulu pirates. I keep reading H.P. Lovecraft at night and I still have yet to dream of unspeakable horrors.

It should be noted that Superman is kind of a dick: Letting some other dude raise your Superkid that you made with your Supersemen in a night of feverish mile-high-club initiations? Dick.

Jimmy Olson is a terrible reporter, what with sitting at his desk while Superman is in the hospital. Dumbass.

What else? Oh yeah, I think that the only part of Superman that interested me (aside from his nuts and Kevin Spacey’s awesome Luthor) was the amazement that kids in the movie had over this underwear pervert who flew around. Adults, too. I mean, stopping a plane from blowing up in midair is pretty heroic. Wouldn’t it be nice to actually have heroes who are super instead of corrupt fuckfaces who can’t manage a national emergency without ANGRY ANGRY ANGRY ANGRY TALK.

You don’t come here to hear me make political rants, you come here because you like jokes about nuts. At least that’s why I come here.

Lex Luthor said “So Long Superman,” which is an obvious reference to the terrific song by Firewater called “So Long Superman.”

So long Superman
Got a suggestion for ya
Check for kryptonite before ya
Try to break a horse
Hey, ho, here we go now
Pulling onto the freeway
Just like any other weekday
Except there’s no remorse
Cause I’m gone
And now nothing seems to matter
Traded in my silver platter
For an empty plastic tray
There was nothing left worth waiting for
The kids burned down the candy store
And I’m waiting for a train

So long, Superman
I’ll light a candle for ya
Say a prayer when California
Falls into the sea
L.A. I never know ya
Goodbye, good riddance to ya
Go to hell and hallelujah
You never meant much to me

I don’t care
Where the track leads I will follow
I left like Lou Ferrigno
Tearing at the seams
I couldn’t take that town to more
A whole world I ain’t seen before
So I gave up the gravy
For sweet obscurity

So long, Superman
I’m taking a vacation
I’ll miss your medication
It helped to ease the pain
I’ll see you back in Reno
Outside the Grand Casino
In your old El Camino
Singing in the rain

No plans
I go where the machine goes
The past is a placebo
Dissolving in a drain
I sleep beside the railroad tracks
No more rent ot income tax
I’ve got no fixed address now
I’m waiting for the train

7 Responses to “Superdickery ”

  1. I really liked it up to the part that Superman didn’t stay dead. That movie would have been an awesome tragedy.

    But Lex Luthor was beautiful.

  2. I saw Pirates of the Carribean tonight… I hated the part where the credits started rolling, but the movie was not over.

  3. Shit… I didn’t stay past the first part of the credits.

  4. I hated that I sat through the Pirates of the Carribean credits with stomach cramps and all I got was a lousy puppy.

  5. Particle Man, Particle Man.
    Particle Man hates Triangle Man.
    They have a fight,
    Triangle wins.
    Triangle Man.

  6. WTF?

  7. I didn’t see a puppy… the credits were taking too long

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