Truth / Lies
Represent what?
What happens when an old dude climbs on a bike after years of inactivity? He mines it for comedy gold! Just so Paul knows which posts to not read because they have too many words or focus too much on me trying to find a summer exercise activity that does not involve anyone else’s balls flying at my face, I created a new category, “Bikes”! I know that you are very excited, and not just because yet again I can’t sleep at night.
Oh yeah, before I do go to sleep, I should mention that Jeremy highly approved of the Bianchi Volpe. He mentioned that Specialized has some nice stuff for reasonably cheap. I have to remember to call my insurance agent tomorrow about canceling the red car. That’s $50 a month!
Why, exactly, are the web pages for all of the local bike shops awful? I mean, come on, it’s 2005!
Velvety
Tonight was much more relaxed than I had expected. All the guys hung out in a stately living room full of antiquey furniture and drank. Noah played in the basement with the other kids, and the women were out back, except for Lisa and her sisters, who had a girls’ night out but failed to get hammered. Lisa used to be the queen of drunken wrestling, but she was seemingly untouched by the healing hand of alcohol. For shame, Lisa. For shame.
Stan and I were like “whiskey is brownish,” and everyone else in the room was all “Glenfordshireloch” this and “Highland Park” that. We were lost, but I carefully laid down a layer of beer, followed by bourbon and then more beer, followed by sips of bourbon to make my mind a little fuzzy and my voice uncharacteristically loud.
Cake Woman is eternally turning up her phone when our schedules permit us to actually speak.
“Hold on, Fucker, I can’t fucking hear you fucking talk. Always with the fucking mumbling!” Yes, she talks like that, only she swears a lot.
Apparently the solution to her complaint is bourbon. I don’t know if it tastes like oil and pencil shavings or walnuts and fishbait, just that it makes me loud.
It was the sort of bachelor party where the fiance showed up at the end. I hugged everybody, I think, and then I was on the ground outside wrestling with some guy who was walking by. He seems nice, I gave him my number. Call me! ^_^
The Believer
If you ever read Might Magazine I will buy you a pony.
Maybe instead I should just have intelligent magazines delivered directly to my bathroom like all my books. Today I finished “The Fifth Child” by Doris Lessing. I found out that Lisa has been going behind my back to get books from my mom. I guess I should stop putting them back on my shelf after we both read them. Dammit. My library was starting to look impressive — as though I were well read.
Gratuitous and Mean-Spirited
I don’t know politics, but I know what I like!
A doctor, a lawyer, and an accountant all die and go to heaven on the same day. When they get to the Pearly Gates, they are greeted by St. Peter. St. Peter says, “Scott McClellan is a lying sack of shit and I’d tell him so myself if he weren’t going straight to hell when he dies.”