Ask Doctor Jesse: Attracting Manticores

A few weeks ago I answered a question from Zach J. of Minneapolis regarding sasquatch infestations. He sent me another letter thanking me and commenting that he was worried about sprinkling borax around his property as it might also dissuade beneficial manticores from visiting his property. That is an excellent line of inquiry — but I had to bring in an expert to get answers. Immediately, I called my dear mother, a long time gardener and landscapist.

“Hi JP,” she said upon answering the phone. “I was just out in the garden feeding the amphivena.” A pair of these two-headed serpent-birds have a nest in the corner of her garden. Apparently their excretions make for excellent manure — unusual for carnivorous beasts.

“Hey Mom,” I replied. “Didn’t we have manticores when we lived in Iowa?”

“Oh yeah, we had two or three of those buggers living up in the top of the maple at the house on 16th street. They loved to eat your marigolds… and the neighbor children.”

“They ate the neighbor children?” I asked, blown away.

“Well, not really — the kids didn’t live there — it was a day care,” she answered. “They weren’t the neighbor kids because they were just visiting.”

“What?”

“It’s like vampires, they can come into your place of work without invitation, but not your home.”

“Manticores are vampires?”

“No, Jesse, stop being difficult. You know what I mean.”

So, there you have it. Marigolds and children. I suggest a window box for the marigolds, and a bucket of “Fun Sized Snickers” on your front step to draw in children. In Minnesota, you will probably have to supplement fresh flowers with dried ones. You could also try the other favored foods of manticores, which include squash, goats, and cedar.

As a side note, there is a new sasquatch deterrent on the market made from Quorn. Look for “‘Squatchaway” in the pest control aisle of your local hardware store.

3 Responses to “Ask Doctor Jesse: Attracting Manticores ”

  1. Hey it is Zach J from MPLS again.

    Thanks for the advice RE: creating a manticore friendly yard. The snack sized candy bars are being eaten by the sasquatches before the neighbor kids know they are there. Any ideas?

    Also, I think at least one of my problem sasquatches is allergic to marigolds. There’s some pretty awful sneezing going on during the middle of the night here now.

  2. I’ve heard that sasquatches can be driven away by toddlerpedes. (See here: http://imgur.com/0NfSJ.jpg). Also, kids love pinatas. Hang them up around your house and they will come running!

  3. Manticores will also eat adults who act like children, which is how I got rid of my third husband. Snack sized candybars are great for the kiddies, but adult children are best lured with alcoholic beverages. The trick is to wait until evening, get them just drunk enough to start giggling, and then lock them out of the house. I made a cute little necklace out of marigolds and hung it around my late husband’s neck before I pushed him out the door.

    The Iowa manticores like to feed late in the evening, nearing 11 or 12 o’clock, so be sure you time the alcohol consumption appropriately.

    By the way, you probably forgot this, but the daycare children next door were already dead before the manticores could get to them. Unfortunately they were blown to pieces by giant firecrackers that were tossed over the fence into their play area by evil teenagers. Since the manties seem to get a kick out of playing with their prey before feasting, they won’t eat children who are already dead. Just a tip.

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