Represent what?

What happens when an old dude climbs on a bike after years of inactivity? He mines it for comedy gold! Just so Paul knows which posts to not read because they have too many words or focus too much on me trying to find a summer exercise activity that does not involve anyone else’s balls flying at my face, I created a new category, “Bikes”! I know that you are very excited, and not just because yet again I can’t sleep at night.

Oh yeah, before I do go to sleep, I should mention that Jeremy highly approved of the Bianchi Volpe. He mentioned that Specialized has some nice stuff for reasonably cheap. I have to remember to call my insurance agent tomorrow about canceling the red car. That’s $50 a month!

Why, exactly, are the web pages for all of the local bike shops awful? I mean, come on, it’s 2005!

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I Love Karl Rove

250 ilk

I Love Karl Rove

OMG! This is the guy I was wrestling! I hope he calls! ^_^

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Velvety

Tonight was much more relaxed than I had expected. All the guys hung out in a stately living room full of antiquey furniture and drank. Noah played in the basement with the other kids, and the women were out back, except for Lisa and her sisters, who had a girls’ night out but failed to get hammered. Lisa used to be the queen of drunken wrestling, but she was seemingly untouched by the healing hand of alcohol. For shame, Lisa. For shame.

Stan and I were like “whiskey is brownish,” and everyone else in the room was all “Glenfordshireloch” this and “Highland Park” that. We were lost, but I carefully laid down a layer of beer, followed by bourbon and then more beer, followed by sips of bourbon to make my mind a little fuzzy and my voice uncharacteristically loud.

Cake Woman is eternally turning up her phone when our schedules permit us to actually speak.

“Hold on, Fucker, I can’t fucking hear you fucking talk. Always with the fucking mumbling!” Yes, she talks like that, only she swears a lot.

Apparently the solution to her complaint is bourbon. I don’t know if it tastes like oil and pencil shavings or walnuts and fishbait, just that it makes me loud.

It was the sort of bachelor party where the fiance showed up at the end. I hugged everybody, I think, and then I was on the ground outside wrestling with some guy who was walking by. He seems nice, I gave him my number. Call me! ^_^

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The Believer

McSweeney’s
The Believer

If you ever read Might Magazine I will buy you a pony.

Maybe instead I should just have intelligent magazines delivered directly to my bathroom like all my books. Today I finished “The Fifth Child” by Doris Lessing. I found out that Lisa has been going behind my back to get books from my mom. I guess I should stop putting them back on my shelf after we both read them. Dammit. My library was starting to look impressive — as though I were well read.

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Gratuitous and Mean-Spirited

McSweeney’s Internet Tendency: Although I Like a Good George W. Bush Joke as Much as the Next Guy, Some of Them Seem Gratuitous and Mean-Spirited.

I don’t know politics, but I know what I like!

A doctor, a lawyer, and an accountant all die and go to heaven on the same day. When they get to the Pearly Gates, they are greeted by St. Peter. St. Peter says, “Scott McClellan is a lying sack of shit and I’d tell him so myself if he weren’t going straight to hell when he dies.”

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Tell Me Something Good

Hey, Jesse, why didn’t you just sell your car to pay your tuition? You could have sold both cars and covered it! I did think of that, but I didn’t know that it would sell in two days. Heck, I could have sold it in one. It would have been nice to have had the cash a couple of weeks ago, but whatever.

Stan, Dean, Noah and I are going to Boot’s non-stripper bachelor party tonight with booze, cigars, and assorted musicians, mostly of the jazz variety. I don’t know what kind of music Dean likes besides Morrisey, but Stan and I will be clinging together in terror. Perhaps we will beatbox in harmony to keep our hearts pure. There will be no Mingus among us!

Oh yeah, as if I am not writing too much already, Lisa invited me to be a guest blogger on her blog while she is entertaining her sisters, one of whom is in from another state and the other is getting married. I think that I will post about sisterhood, even though I’m more of a brother-type person, and my relationships with my three sisters are all strained. If I were posting about my family here I would talk about the simultaneous healing and destruction that family brings, and then I’d give a painful but hysterically funny example. I can’t tell their story, so I will just talk about how happy Renee looks and how relaxed Marsha seems for having a wedding coming up in two days. In fact, she said that I could wear a speedo to the wedding, so I’m pretty jazzed.

I was having kind of a tired and crappy day. I flat out slept in class for a while, and I was distractable at work. The afternoon brought glad tidings, and now Stan, Noah, and I are going to go to the Uptown Pizza Luce. Tonight might be all right after all.

Glad tidings? When did this become a horoscope? “Tonight: don’t fall into old traps!”

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Sold out

Ryan will be coming back to pick up the red car on Monday. I am to cash his check straight away. Why do I have the creepy feeling that I have been taken?

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Moon River

You might ask me, if you were an especially astute reader, from whence I got the idea that maybe it is irresponsible and unhealthy for me to commute to work and school in my car. You might wonder if it is solely the influence of one woman with a particularly well developed social and environmental conscience. No, it wasn’t just her.

Like all good stories, this one starts with my testicles.

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Feelin’ Hot Hot Hot

This is a little scary, I got all crazy hot in class today and stopped sweating again, despite drinking another two liters of water. How much am I paying to slowly roast in a classroom with no air conditioning?

I wrote another post, but it’s embarrassingly lurid. I might have to run it through a few revisions. I dunno. I just want to go lie down on the couch and drink lemonade until the next guy comes to see the red car. Then, after he leaves I will call up Paul #2 and tell him to bring a trailer and a fat check. Paul #2 drives a 2005 Subaru WRX STi with all wheel drive and 300hp. He let me drive it yesterday and it was deliriously awesome, yet I knew right off that I didn’t want a car like that for myself. It was just way too fast.

Speaking of cars, it’s really easy for me to say things like “we should go ethanol” or “hybrids are getting there, but I think that they could have a lot more to offer than they currently do” or “fuel cells just displace the extraction of energy from fuel from individual vehicles to centralized power plants.” Walking away from ease and convenience of hopping in the car? Not so easy. I still think that all new homes and businesses in sunburnt parts of the country should be required to have solar panels in direct proportion to their square footage. Power companies should be required to accept excess power back into the grid and pay or credit users for it. Extra juice could be harnessed to do things like generate hydrogen for fuel cells, which would be a way that power companies could stockpile energy.

I don’t know where that came from. I’m gonna go lie down for a while.

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Down Rodeo

Either it cooled off or I did. I’m almost done with my third liter of water tonight. The homework is done, and the Corporation was a terrific movie.

See? Normal:
thermoAwesome

Oh, hey, let’s ask google what we should know about heat exhaustion.
What are the symptoms?

  • sluggishness or fatigue
  • hot, dry skin that is flushed but not sweaty
  • high body temperature
  • hallucinations

Okay, hallucinations are heat stroke.

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