I’m Not Fat, I’m Just Big Bonered

Okay, so I was chatting with Zach while simultaneously looking at Craigslist for more lady-type people. I shared an ad with him and he was all “how big is size 14, anyway.” I realised that I didn’t really know, since my brain tended to shut down in the women’s clothing section when I used to shop there. All I know is that women’s sizes bear no relation to reality or logical ordering of the universe. That said, I proceeded to do some research so men everywhere could finally breathe a sigh of relief.

Here are some celebs that I found when I should have been doing the bomblab for CSci 2021. If I found their size online, I included it. If not, I’m matching them up against the chart that I have.

02:

When they are this tiny you’re just risking breaking her pelvis. I’m kidding! God! Look, there’s only two ways that I can go with this, either completely offensive and hilarious, or eggshell strained and painful for everyone.

Kate Moss
Height: 5′7″
Bust-waist-hips: 33-23-35

04:

Yes, women’s sizes are all even. 4 is bigger than 2 and smaller than 6. Someone somewhere said a size 0 for Paris Hilton, but, uh, I dunno. She still needs a month or two of treatment for being crazy. Also, a sammich. Not a huge sammich at first, but as her body grows used to actually digesting food, she would get more and more hot sammich action.

Paris Hilton
Height: 5′8″
Bust-waist-hips: 34-25-35
Dress size: 4

06:

Monica Belucci is… well… I had expected her and Famke to be in different places. One of them looks like butter, and the other looks sharp enough to slice bread.

Monica Bellucci
Height: 5′9-1/2″
Bust-waist-hips: 35-24-35
Dress size: 6-8

Melody says “a size 6 is going to be a thin, trim body with little to no body fat.”

08:

I will let you do your own googling and such.

Famke Janssen
Height: 5′11″
Bust-waist-hips: 36-24-36
Dress size: 8-10

10:

Drew Barrymore (Melody said that she was this size in the Wedding Singer, at least on the bottom)

Height: 5′ 4″
Bust-waist-hips: 34C-24-34

Melody says: “a size 10 is generally a bit more plush, with larger hips.”

12:

Drew Barrymore (Melody said that she was this size in the Wedding Singer, at least on the top)
That’s right, I said Drew Barrymore on the top.

14:

When you reach this size you can start shopping at Lane Bryant. I would probably buy this size for me, but my chesticles, hips, and buttocks are not very big so I wouldn’t make the dresses all pretty without some padding.
Melody says that Kate Winslet is this size.

Mmmmm Kate Winslet… Rumor has it that Renee Zellweger was this size for Bridget Jones when (in my opinion) she looked her best. Melody also said: “heh. I feel people up and label their bodies for a living,” and “14 and you’re starting to get the larger thighs and belly pudge, but no where near a roll.” So. There you go. I am for all of those things, especially the feeling people up part. AMAZING.

16:

I don’t have an example for this size, and honestly, if you were trying to imagine any of these celebrities you probably would have a hard time placing them next to an arbitrary female type person. I’d just like to say that the clothing selection in this size is pretty depressing. Yes, I have looked through the racks.

18:

You get a lot of woman for your money when you get up to this range, but if they dress well all you will notice is the PLADOW factor. I mean, you don’t get into a size 18 unless you are packing some booty and probably comfy soft pillows. This is a lady you can get comfortable with. Ahem.

20:

I’ve dated bigger.

Okay, so maybe you’re like me and just want to see sizes in chart form so you could apply some scientific reasoning to it, well, uh, good luck. Here’s what you can get from Bloomingdales. It’s different from the Target chart. And probably the Vogue patterns charts.

MODERN SIZE CHART (USA)
XS S M L
SIZE P 4 6 8 10 12 14
BUST 32 33 34 34 36 37 ½ 39
WAIST 23 ½ 24 ½ 25 ½ 26 ½ 27 ½ 29 30 ½
HIPS 34 35 36 37 38 39 ½ 41
CLASSIC SIZE CHART (USA)
P S M L XL
SIZE 2 4 6 8 10 12 14 16
BUST 32 ½ 33 ½ 34 ½ 35 ½ 36 ½ 38 39 ½ 41
WAIST 24 25 26 27 28 29 ½ 31 32 ½
HIPS 35 36 37 38 39 40 ½ 42 43 ½
PETITE’S SIZE CHART FOR 5′4′ AND UNDER (USA)
P/XS P/S P/M P/L
SIZE 2P 4P 6P 8P 10P 12P 14P
BUST 32 33 34 35 36 37 ½ 39
WAIST 23 ½ 24 ½ 25 ½ 26 ½ 27 ½ 29 30 ½
HIPS 34 35 36 37 38 39 ½ 41
WOMEN’S SIZE CHART SIZES 14 TO 24 (USA)
1X 2X 3X
SIZE 14 16 18 20 22 24
BUST 40 42 44 46 48 50
WAIST 31 33 35 37 39 ½ 42
HIPS 42 44 46 48 50 ½ 53

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Just Another Manic Friday

The Whole in Coffman was hosting the Radio K all request hour. Since I work in Coffman, I stopped down to say hello and apologize for not moving faster on Radio K Bingo (which, honestly, come on people, you all lost interest after the first time). I couldn’t think of anything that I wanted to hear that would be worth looking someone in the face and saying “please play this song.” I’m consistently embarrassed about my musical tastes. I look at what I have been listening to and always ask myself “shouldn’t I be listening to something cooler?” I compare the few gigs of mp3s that I have brought to work with those of uber-hipster Trent and realize that even if I had all of the name bands that he has I still would listen to Laura Veirs all day.

When I got up to Zach’s office (which I also inhabit, like a remora on a merciless shark) I realized that I had not punched in yet. Zach still had to go downstairs to visit the K folks, so I couldn’t prevent myself from returning to the source. I was introduced around a bit and even got to meet Shelly Miller, who was a DJ in a video game of ill repute, as well as one of the friendly voices of REV 105 back when I would listen all day and all night. I didn’t hear a lot of fanfare about it, but when she came to Radio K I felt like the Titans were walking the earth again. I am still weirded out by the way that Radio K seems to have completely turned over its staff since I was last a super fan. When I was a cashier and stockboy at the Speedy Market on Como I would see staffers come in to buy milk. When I did movie reviews I hung out in the news room a bit and visited the DJ Booth and edit room. The long time receptionist at least knew me by face as I scurried about my few duties, always embarrassed because I never felt like I belonged. Movie reviews were a terrible scam, like continually winning the K for free tickets and then picking them up at the station over and over again. I expected someone to pause and look at my backstage pass carefully before announcing “this is from the Cleveland show, man, not fucking cool.”

Zach and I strolled in and I hid behind him as he said his hellos. Eventually I was introduced and I took shameful credit for the bingo. Fortunately, with someone that I knew there I was able to figure out a role to play, so I grabbed the request book (like karaoke that you don’t have to hear other people sing!) and sat down. I really wanted to hear “Valerie” by the Crooked Fingers, because the band is playing the Whole tonight and that was one of the songs Cake Woman used to play over and over again. However, I thought that was too obvious and I didn’t want to be part of any break that included “that was the Crooked Fingers, who incidentally are playing here in the Whole tomorrow,” because that would be way cheesy. I also didn’t want to have them say “oh, we just played that!” It seems that all of my requests are cock blocked by the rules these days — not like when Pam was on the radio and I could call in at 8am to hear any request within two songs.

I finally settled on “Bad Days Indeed” by Firewater, perhaps in honor of the pillar three feet away where I stood while watching Cop Shoot Cop eleven years earlier. I screamed along to every song because I miraculously knew all the lyrics. However, I knew quite clearly that Cop Shoot Cop had been played by King Kwong just a couple of days before, so I didn’t even look for it in the book, falling back on Tod A instead.

Zach took off but I waited for both of our requests. When mine came on I suddenly wished that I were in my car or a NAPA truck, singing along at top volume and jumping up and down in my seat. I wished that I could rewind to those days when seven dollars an hour and unlimited access to Radio K were all that I required to do eight hours of menial tasks. Lifting, carrying, loading, unloading. Mostly I just wanted to get away from all the people unconsciously measuring me and dismissing me. A footnote. A footnote elminated from the most recent editions. Firewater isn’t the same at listenable volumes. In the Entry they miked the brass and it degaussed my brain. I could sing along and dance and cry and be unseen (at least until Melissa wigged out and had to leave two songs from the end). In the Whole there were people studying and hanging out. I couldn’t let myself slip into bleak moods or smile ecstaticly over my favorite music.

After Zach’s request I slipped out of the Whole and back into my usual work character. That guy is a little crazy but hilarious! Everything that he does has an exclamation point at the end! I play that character a lot, since he is widely accepted to be entertaining. Which character do you get to see? Which one would you like to see? Let me know, I’ve got a storeroom full of them in various sizes and levels of hilarity.

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Well, That’s Better

One bad stick of RAM seems to be all it took to ruin two weeks of my life. Hopefully I can pick my car up from South Minneapolis in time to get over to the Nano and have them test the stick that I pulled out. I could replace it for the miserly sum of 40 bones.

If you missed the point of that paragraph, I did not drive home last night. Are you happy? JEEZ.

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hOW ABOUT A LITTLE ANGRY SEX, HUH?

(this post has been edited because it just sounds way too fucking crazy. I left in the typos, though)

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aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaavugh!

This is stuff from Family Guy — so is the title

HEY, WHERE’S THE CLOWN?
EAST OF EDEN?z YOU JUST DO WAHTEVER OPRAH TELS YOU TO, DON’T YOU?
AND THE MOTION CARRIES, THE JANITOR’S NEW NAME IS SWEEPY

This is a phone call that I made

YOU HAD BEETTER CALL ME WHEN YOU GET HOME

HOLY CRAP I’M DRIVING

OKAY, FINE, WLELL YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO ANSWER

I THOUGHT MAYBE IT WAS AN EMERGENCY

CALL ME BACK WHEN YOU GET HOME

This is the call that I got back

I’M HOME, AND I DIDN’T DIE, AND I’M NOT IN JAIL

BOO! NO! HOORAY!

UGH

DUDE, THIS IS THE FUNNIEST EPISODE OF FAMILY GUY EVER

I HATE YOU

I’M SORRY THAT I’M A DOUCHEBAG

YOU HAD BETTER BE

YEAH

YEAH

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Who Wants a Moustache Ride?

So, I’m over sifting through the detritus on Craigslist, and I see this marvelous ad:

Have you seen that movie “secretary”? - 30

I am a submissive looking for her master. I want all that psychological stuff, I want all that tension and release. Me- smart, well read, attractive, unconventional, no pushover. You- know what you’re doing, or be good at acting like you do. And no cop-type mustaches, please. Serious inquires only.

I don’t know about you, but I’m growing a cop-type mustache right now.

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4 8 15 16 23 42

I have to enter those numbers every 108 minutes or my server crashes. I just can’t find the “execute” button.

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Oh, snap, guess what I saw

Snap! Pizza and Ice Cream
2851 Johnson Street NE
Minneapolis, MN 55418
(612) 788-9800

Snap! has been open in Northeast Minneapolis for a couple of weeks now, and this household continues to order the pizza. We ordered a BBQ chicken and a pepperoni/(green olive|sausage) pizza last time, and they were again much better than any of the chain pizzas that we could order. However, whereas the first pizza we had ordered was a little burnt on the bottom, the crusts of these pizzas were underdone. They didn’t have any… snap at all. The crust was too doughy and tasted too wheaty. On the plus side, the sausage came in large spicy chunks and the BBQ chicken was the equal of any that I have ever had, except for the crust. If they improve their baking techniques, their dough recipe and their bland red sauce I will be very happy instead of just happy.

We still won’t be ordering from Papa John’s.

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I hate it when astrology is right

Melody was bored last night and I was awake to beat my head against my 4041 homework. Since she’s an astrology “buff” I floated her my chart, which she proceeded to use to paint an eerily accurate picture of me. Then she got carpal tunnel, so that will be the last that I hear from her, since we have a typing-only relationship. After my homework was done, I revised my plans for a roadtrip out west. Without Melissa in the car I could definitely drive longer and stay in campsites or unbelievably shitty motels. Maybe I should do that this summer — drive to the Black Hills, Yellowstone, Olympia, Portland, San Francisco, Reno, and home.

I’m really worried about school.

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Karaoke?

Whereoke?
Wheneoke?
Drunkeoke!

Okay, so Zach wants to to do karaoke, and since I have no dignity left, I agreed to be a part of the mayhem. I am suggesting Elsie’s. Maybe the Saturday after Thanksgiving. Maybe we should crawl it, yo, with the Burlesque show at the 331, then a million bars alksdjngfaksd jkhadsf jlgs j’gs j ‘ldsagklj’es l;s ;adsg sagl ls ls jls ;as df bhadf

This is a good idea.

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I Got An E-Card?

I didn’t know that they still made e-cards!

Hi,

I love you!

From
Emilia

Dear Anonymous Emilia,
I’m sure that I would love you too, if you would only give me a chance.
From
Jesse

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